“Wait, Is This a romantic date?” Podcast Special Episode: 2021 Mailbag | Autostraddle

Grateful breaks! By “happy” What i’m saying is, circumstances sure experience really terrible now?? And the majority of of us have likely had the getaway ideas changed again?? But thankfully our gift to you is an online one AKA our very own long-awaited mailbag episode!

We become into difficult emotions surrounding non-monogamy, fictional characters we would desire from the pod, and so much more. Thanks to any or all just who sent in questions!

SHOW NOTES

+ Here are the lip recs from Christina!
Practically Lipstick from Clinique
and
Powder-puff Lippie from NYX
.

+ whether or not it feels very good,
do it
.

+ You can’t watch Barbara Hammer films online however, if you are in Los Angeles you will find Nitrate Kisses in theatres next month
free-of-charge
.

+
Scissoring merch
! get scissoring merch!

+ An essay on

Paul requires the type of a Mortal lady

and
my own make of sluttiness
.

+ gay chat ro‘s
piece on dental dams.

+

The Novice

is out now! view it!

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Drew:

I Found Myself conversing with my dad of men and women—

Christina:

Providing dads into this area!

Drew:

I understand — about being happy. And my father ended up being like, “Oh, really, do you really believe it is because here is the basic connection that you have gotten into as yourself?

Christina:

Firstly, father, that is thus sweet!

Drew:

I know! Very nice dad comment.

Christina:

Set off, master!

Drew:

And that I ended up being like — very amusing so that you can contact my dad master.

Theme song performs

Drew:

Hi, I’m Drew!

Christina:

And That I’m Christina! And this is a podcast that we forgot the intro to already.

Drew:

Which is ok! It’s been some time.

Christina:

Woohoo, it has got.

Drew:

This will be

Hold off, Is This a Date?

Christina:

Yes, that podcast.

Drew:

We’ll do your component. Thank you for visiting

Wait, Is This a night out together?

An Autostraddle podcast about gender and online dating as queer people who have queer men and women, ideally. Just how, exactly how am I carrying out?

Christina:

No, i do believe you’re smashing it. I do believe what exactly is really interesting about this event is it is the mailbag event in which we’ll be getting concerns away from you, all of our listeners. A number of you submitted sound memos and email messages, so we possess material additionally the concerns and hopefully the responses, but like, we, I am not going to say such a thing also insane. Really don’t wanna get as well outlandish, you realize?

Drew:

Yeah. We are questioning along with you. Should we — I mean, this most likely is not some people’s very first episode, however in case people missed you, you are aware, exposing ourselves, perhaps which is another person’s preferred a portion of the podcast. So I believe we must introduce our selves.

Christina:

Yeah, absolutely.

Drew:

Okay, cool. We’ll get initially. My name is Drew Gregory. I’m an author and a filmmaker and a queer person. We nonetheless identify as a lesbian, but I’ve been making use of that phrase less, which will be maybe a thing that I’m able to unpack on another occurrence. We still am a lesbian, but I additionally have always been like, precisely what does that also suggest? You are sure that? I don’t know. Tags are amusing, but i am quite certain that i am a writer. I am very confident that I am a filmmaker. Uh, how about you?

Christina:

Yeah. Uh, i’m Christina Tucker, an author at Autostraddle in addition. I am also a queer individual. We started actually using “queer” more as I initial arrived now I prefer lesbian possibly equally. I am also very, i simply method of use whatever word seems appropriate, taken from my personal mouth inside minute. And that I don’t really think about it a whole lot more than that. But that’s a journey all of us are on, frankly.

Drew:

I support that. I really do believe that amounts right up whom we’re, that I’m love, “i’ll need revisit this as time goes by.” And you are love, “I just sort of enjoy the things I think plus don’t need to believe more info on it.”

Christina:

I rather literally choose the term that actually works perfect for the little bit, so…

Drew:

Well, yeah. So as you said, this is exactly our mailbag episode. Should we just enter the first — oh, In addition wish say before we begin that if you delivered united states a concern therefore we do not get to it, it could be because there happened to be specific factors that have been like, oh, I want to unpack this on another full event, perhaps with an unique visitor who become more, you realize, maybe more qualified to respond to it. Therefore We really appreciate all the questions—

Christina:

You guys sent most concerns, that was cool, but we would not have time and energy to reach every one of them.

Drew:

Yeah. Nevertheless they had been all read.

Christina:

And some of you just delivered united states compliments without concerns.

Drew:

And, you know, typically with — when this had been a Q&A before or after a movie, it’d be like, cannot praise the person. There is a complete market here, but for this, the actual only real market was Christina and I and Lauren. So genuinely, comments, fantastic. Many thanks so much. Really, good.

Christina:

Thrilling to receive, undoubtedly certainly one of my main food teams.

Drew:

So yeah, why don’t we start with the most important question. Into the vocals memo, the individual states that they’re semi-closeted, so we’re gonna neglect brands just to be secure right here. And why don’t we listen to this question.

Anonymous Asker:

So this is coming from somebody who doesn’t have knowledge about dating at all, largely because I’m semi-closeted and residing out in the largely traditional boonies. Whenever I graduate twelfth grade, I’m making this one so I may have a taste of independence. And I’m realizing that i’ll end up being going into the queer relationship realm. This really is a rather general query, but exactly how do we ask a woman out the very first time without dropping into a full on panic and anxiety attack? Too tell, I’m very bad at talking to people.

Drew:

This is exactly an age old, age old question. Really.

Christina:

It is actually. We really believe that it is why we have a podcast.

Drew:

Yeah. I mean, I feel like we type of know where i’ll go with this, that is like, it is more about recognizing the fact no-one’s proficient at this? After all, possibly men and women fundamentally get good at it as you do so enough while sort of lose the — what is actually it — the publicity treatment or whatever — but like, it is some of those circumstances the place you just do it also it becomes easier. And actually, before we was released — What i’m saying is, to make clear, I found myself inquiring women out before I came out as a result of the total being a trans person thing. Once In my opinion towards start of while I left my personal bad small town and moved off to college and was initially actually inquiring people away, I absolutely took a rather drive strategy and extremely ended up being like, “Hello, do you wish to continue a date?” And I believe throughout the years, we relocated from that slightly. But we seriously still, we however think sometimes it’s great to simply be drive and ask some body out, and you also have a clear solution. After all, you might also perform the thing the place you only start obscure and have you to definitely spend time and you simply, you understand, play a,

Wait, Is This a Date

video game for some time.

Christina:

Appropriate. Fingertips entered, I hope that message comes across. I additionally think in a situation, like for me, when I began internet dating, as I was queer relationship, I found myself out-of university, solution of my home town, but I became performing a lot of online dating via software and that really does cut down the awkwardness since it is like, we know everything we’re right here for. And while i do believe you’ll find certainly downsides to virtually any online dating app, similar to most things in daily life, i really do believe type the removal of that barrier of like, oh no, exactly how awkward so is this gonna be? Like, could it possibly be going to be like, no, its, that’s what this can be your platform for which you came to. After which when you, when you result in the hangout ask, it can always realize that it is a date because that’s the reason we’re all here. Vibing.

Drew:

That’s a point.

Christina:

I mean, I do keep in mind that truly — that way sense of love, “Oh no, that is probably going to be so shameful because i am so embarrassing.” But truthfully the changing times We have considered super embarrassing, honestly, many people are exactly like, that was lovely. Thus don’t think regarding your awkwardness merely in want, that is embarrassing and everyone hates myself. Folks tends to be like, which is shameful, but it is method of cute. And I perform like to carry on a date along with you. A couple of things can be genuine. In my opinion that is breathtaking.

Drew:

Best shown. Yeah. Yeah. I believe we have this concept that if you ask someone away, you have to be like significant leading power Shane-style, and it’s like, no, you’ll ask somebody aside as an embarrassing individual, and that is a new brand of hot, but it’s nevertheless, it is still one of several brand names.

Christina:

There are many labels of hot.

Drew:

Yeah.

Christina:

Wow. That Is actually beautiful.

Drew:

Great. Well, let’s move on to next question definitely originating from Claire from Australia.

Claire:

Hey, I adored listening to all of you from here in Queensland, Australian Continent, and had a concern per of you actually. Christina, what’s this non-transferable lip liner that you put on on a first date, and where can I purchase it? And Drew, your own website is a little more difficult. How can you understand when to hear the tough emotions that come up during a non-monogamous scenario so when be effective through all of them?

Christina:

Wow. I really like that I get a lip and you also get hard feelings. I do believe that’s a very beautiful. I’ll get very first and give you some time to give some thought to the hard feelings. Generally there’s a few versions of a non-transferable lip. As I was a student in my young people back the old mid-aughts, when everybody was simply addicted to dressed in a matte lip stick, I did many, like, Stila mattes are pretty non-transferable. But here’s the fact i am getting older. My skin gets drier. I cannot be sporting a matte lip that way rather than having a dried around lip time. So now we’ve relocated into a stain, that is actually cook’s hug. Result in it may get slightly must, but no body really notices, however look great. At this time a large fan of Clinique. Their own black honey is a great one as well as the Knicks lippie powder-puff, a lot of shades, fades attractively. An excellent lip stain. Get forward and make out on your own times with great mouth. Which is all I want for everyone truly. Today, Drew, talk to me personally about tough feelings.

Drew:

Heavy feelings in non-monogamous relationships. Wow. Yeah. Thus an enjoyable thing that happened from inside the hiatus that we’ve had yet is the fact that You will find a girlfriend now.

Christina:

She actually is wonderful!

Drew:

Yeah. I am really, actually happy. I am simply, personally i think like daily sort of finding out new meanings of what connections and love and sex could be, and also have not already been that much of a romantic since I was at high school and it was all theoretic. Therefore, I’m happy, want to share that. I am want, ok. But in addition what happens when you are, you are sure that, in a relationship which you love instead of, you are aware, simply having hookups and fillings and things, is you also are checking much more with your own personal borders plus lover’s limits as much as everything you mention. And appearance, all of this could be stuff that i did not show. And I merely went inside concern and was unclear, but this is certainly my type of getting available by being similar, describing like some main reasons i would end up being obscure from the podcast moving forward, because I do believe in fact it’s important in our parasocial relationships we now have with folks which compose or those who have podcasts that like, I am not sure, to share these specific things, to talk about like how I choose my personal boundaries, specifically as a person who produces and discusses gender extremely graphically. Anyways, so all that as a preamble to the question—

Christina:

Perspective is actually king. That is what we’re always claiming.

Drew:

That is to declare that like, i am talking about, you might say, like i am, I’m within my basic union, like as someone that’s open about becoming non-monogamous and navigating that and etc. And that I think only speaking normally, like every connection is actually its very own dialogue. And with the people that are because connection, everybody else gives goals and delivers issues that are just like beliefs to the relationship, as well as, makes compromises and contains conversations and — or doesn’t, after which that is your very own type of that. Right? And so I believe its types of a frustrating answer, but it is kind of similar, you have to both talk to yourself and consult with your partner or associates, and determine type of, you are sure that, something essential for you, you know, in case you are someone that’s monogamous and also you start dating someone that’s non-monogamous, is anything you can acquire used to? Is there certain things that make you comfy? Can it be convenient for you once companion shacks up with some one which you all know and it’s really relaxed and it is any, or will you, is it much more comfortable if they have various other interactions, nonetheless they’re not near you after all? Or as with any these — there’s so many tactics to have non-monogamous connections. And I also don’t know if you’re asking this from point of view of somebody who’s really no-cost in non-monogamy and is potentially online dating somebody who isn’t, or vice versa. But i believe which is often a — i will not even state a conflict, it’s simply an integral part of being non-monogamous, I think, usually we have various interactions to non-monogamy.

Christina:

Yeah.

Drew:

For me, i possibly could date someone that had a number of associates. But generally with non-monogamy, my personal ideal is always to date someone where i am their particular partner, following we are really not monogamous. If I had been to date somebody, that isn’t the present circumstance that i am in, in which I found myself dating a person who wanted to have multiple lovers, i might need to be like, okay, just what are my thoughts relating to this person? What are my personal feelings exactly how this person communicates? Carry out i do believe that that will be a thing that might work for my situation? And figure that away. And thus you’ll find connection characteristics I could maintain where i am on a single end and in which i am on the other end. And I also think simply demonstrates that like, it is simply in regards to choosing in the event that person you’re dating — one, if the feelings on their behalf are sufficiently strong it’s worth it, plus if you should be compatible sufficient within desires it may work, because occasionally you actually like some body and love you, or perhaps you love some one and really like you, plus it just does not work properly as to what you both wish from a relationship. That is certainly unfortunate, but it is additionally exactly the case. So whether to work through hard emotions is likely to be instance by instance. And I think additionally, it is really dependent on communication styles, because if you have great communication aided by the person or individuals you are online dating, you are able to function with a lot more than should you battle to speak. So those are common my rambling thoughts on this thing that i do believe about plenty.

Christina:

I’d like listeners to understand that for this reason I get six-minute vocals memos from Drew. Though in equity, this lady has perhaps not delivered myself a six-minute voice memo in an exceedingly few years.

Drew:

This has been quite a few years.

Christina:

But that is the fuel. And I also carry out feel just like i simply talked one into life. I cannot wait for the subsequent day or two.

Drew:

Do you consider it is because I’m in a relationship?

Christina:

I understand that it’s.

Drew:

I am feeling vulnerable about this now. Yeah. Now I’m love, have always been I an awful buddy now that I’m in a relationship?

Christina:

In my opinion it really is okay and beautiful and great and great. And I’m not exactly clamoring to receive more six-minute voice memos.

Drew:

I will give you a six-minute vocals memo about my commitment. Would that end up being fun? Would that be a great thing so that you could have?

Christina:

I am talking about, yes, needless to say it could. You’re my pal.

Drew:

Thanks a lot. Okay. Moving forward.

Christina:

Moving forward.

Drew:

Let’s see. This vocals memo is from Julia.

Julia:

Hey Drew. Hey Christina. Listed here is my personal concern for y’all. Should you could have any imaginary queer character regarding the pod, who does it is and what online dating topic is it possible you go over? Thanks for getting these Qs! Bye!

Christina:

That is these an enjoyable concern.

Drew:

That is the question. My — truthfully, and never are incredibly Autostraddle about it, but my personal instinct response ended up being like, i’d like a moment period definitely a lie down with every primary fictional character of

The L Word.

And just becoming similar, “what exactly is incorrect along with you?”

Drew:

Yeah. Okay. Therefore I’ve been producing a concerted energy both in my personal mind and my personal writing, to fairly share

The L Word

less, because i am like, absolutely a great deal other things available to choose from and like, truly fun that individuals have actually this common vocabulary, {but also|but additionally|